Having just been entertained to another half an hour special of the Albert Square I had reached my limit once more. So many ill-conceived ideologies, fantasies and romances are filling up my 1080p HD TV, that my pixels are starting to burn out.
Old Dog Old Tricks
Lord have mercy on my soul with this timeless couple. How many times is Sharon going to fall for this old codger’s tricks. I know the hair on your head is blonde but that is no excuse. There are so many words that spring to mind when I mention the name Phil Mitchell; die-hard, Biggie, artful dodger, Bastard, tough nails, dick, prick, bully, violent, drunkard. Oh my list could go on but Phil the dragon just won’t be slayed. Jack the good fellow rides on his horse like King George with his sword and slices of the beasts head. This is a Mitchell; you cut his head off, they grow two. The guy is like Hydra the mythical beast and hell he don’t breathe physical fire but ask Ian and soon you can ask Jack Branning how it feels to be burnt. I’m just amazed his ass hasn’t been buried six feet deep yet; and even that I fear will not stop him.
Jack and the beanstalk
The scene where I went Bananas was when Jack barely puts up a fight against Sharon when she plans on moving in with Phil. Pause! Are you ok Jack? Did you hit your head hard when you fell from the beanstalk fantasy of yours. Sharon just said some bullS**t about she has to move in with her Ex, all over some idiocrisy. So vex I couldn’t even remember the poor excuse. Jack grow some damn balls, when you give an ultimatum live and die by your words. Are you a MAN or a man, sheet manne. The moment she said she was to move in with that dragon, I would’ve given her one of those Peggy Mitchell slaps. Chaa, Jack needs that flurry of punches to man the hell up.
Denise slow it down
Ian is the next guy on her hit-list, woow. The square just turned into a damn polygon. What? How? And the bludclart why? Who organised and write this side of the script; Ian almost looked like he had game. Hitting rock bottom hasn’t dampened Ian’s thirst for female conquest neither. If I’m right its his first time dipping into chocolate. All his past wives except the last one were cray like cat doodo. Pigs have finally flown into the sky because I’d never of thought these two would’ve hit it off. Denise should’ve got some good sex from Ray and sent him packing but instead she’s got the fruit seller.
Denise is sly too; were you getting drilled by fatboy with your clothes on. As I recall you didn’t mention him as your last person you saw naked; so sly, so sly. The way Denise used to smile after her and fatboy hit it off; she was dicknotized easy. Again Ian and Denise is something else but let’s see how that develops.
I’m in the Mamood for Ayesha
Is Mamood dumb or something? Even before his wife’s quick dissipation to Pakistan like one of Hogwarts students; I knew Mamood was ready for change. Damn player come on; you make a mean curry which everyone around the square loves but your wife criticises it. This was never going to work. Having said that; even before the young Newcastle chick made the movement on Mamood; why is such a beautiful woman allowed to set up home in their house. Tell my future wife never to bring no such women to my yard; the temptation is mad and real. God forgive me. At times I could’ve sworn Mamood wanted Ayesha. Pause! When the young Newcastle chick got naked; Mamood’s eyes said Amen and his body said Forgive us for our trespasses. He was fully involved from that day.
Mamoods wife got the black jack movement, she didn’t have 2’s, or jacks so she had to pick up 5. But she made a vital mistake in trusting Mamood when Ayesha confessed. Chuck the girl out back to Geordie shores and figure out a battle plan with your husband. She didn’t do that, instead she tried to pave it over liek everything was alright as per usual. Tamwar i know your vex but your mum made the first wrong movements with the guy who reminded me of Scar from Lion King. Anyway Zainab shouldn’t have waited till Masood got to boiling point before she decided they needed to fix things; by then Ayesha was in Masood‘s head and that was Zainab’s mistake and she had to pick up three for that. From then the game was done. She left and so did Ayesha, but Ayesha came back with Last cards. Say La Ve. And i called him Mamood purposefully that’s his pimp name; dont watch that.
Conclusion. There’s no need for one; the square is mad as a hatter. The storylines getting more and more impractical; but I’m not watching because its practical. I’m watching because the f**k**y is just too much.
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No Gentlemen Here Tyrone