It has always been a contentious point of debate with couples and partners; is it right that you still interact with your ex? Some will argue that “mature minded bodies can still be friends with their ex without old feelings resurfacing.” Whilst that is a compelling argument others would reply that “the more you interact with a ex the greater the chance of old feelings re-emerging.” If that is the case the ca we ever truly e over a past lover; or must we fall I love again to mask those past feelings.
TOPIC OF CONVERSATION
What exactly are you talking about with your Ex? You can almost guarantee that whatever innocent conversation you’re having In the beginning; will inevitably lead to jokes, harboured feelings and “do you remember when” trips down memory lane of the past. FINE, some will say “me and my Ex don’t discuss the past.” GREAT, so what are you discussing then? The future is something you don’t have? Isn’t your future with your current partner and shouldn’t future plans be discussed with them. Present relationships perhaps? So you want to tell your past about your present; are you looking for trouble In the future. Either way you can bet at some point you, your ex and the past will come into topical conversation.
Sometimes you and your ex will have mutual interests that still extends into your current relationship. It is a great shame nobody gets your humour like your ex did, nobody watches that television show as your ex did or even nobody understands how your feeling accept your ex. These cases do happen and there are many excuses people use to justify talking to their ex whilst in a new relationship. But guess what? Suck it up and be an adult, sometimes you can’t have it your own way. You lost those privileges when you broke things off with each other
It is good to help our friends with the lending of an ear, but remember this is no ordinary friend; it is indeed your ex. In some cases people lend an ear to their ex during their current relationship; being a shoulder to cry on or a boulder to lean on. Whatever the job role someone fulfils for their ex, it is looking like trouble in the long run. Some of us fail to realise how vulnerable you can become as a listener to your EX’s current marital problems. To want to listen and help your ex with their current relational or personal problems means admitting you care in a roundabout way about your ex. Now that doesn’t mean you love them once again but it does mean you empathise as you listen with intention to help provide the solution. When you begin to empathise you have to start to attach yourself to that person and in that position actions & thoughts can be distorted. Think; why can’t someone else council your ex? Why does it have to be you? Putting yourself in such trusting positions can lead the talker to “transferred” (transference) feelings onto you.
TRANSFERENCE “In a therapy context, transference refers to redirection of a patient’s feelings for a significant person to the therapist. Transference is often manifested as an erotic attraction towards a therapist,” wiki
The major problem is when you empathise we put our feelings out and into. Once you start Flip side; if you’re the one talking to your ex then the situation is slightly different. As mentioned earlier, why are you talking? Away from that, to be able to confide, catch up and talk to your ex about your life. Means you must trust them alot. Think about it, do you confide in strangers about your life? No, because there is no built up trust or familiarity there. So what is it you can’t you say to your current partner that you can say to ex partner of all people? Is that not a problem in itself? Bearing your thoughts and feelings about your current relationship, future life path and ambitions to your ex, creates a trusting bond which can lead to dependency on your ex to help solve your problems.
THE INTENTION IS EVERYTHING
One problem people have particularly with Ex’s is that no one except the Ex knows their true intention towards your partner. What your Ex really feels towards your partner can be masked and feigned easily; who knows, your EX could be planning the greatest coupe or could really be looking for friendship. Once your ex leaves you questioning his or her intentions, you cannot with a hundred percent truth and accuracy say they have eyes for friendship. It’s time to hit the road with that ex, before they creep through the back doors of your relationship.
When it all falls down temporarily and things are going wrong with your current partner “what friend are people running too?” The individual they are familiar, know, trust and care for. The Ex is by far the best individual to fit the role. How many times do we hear stories of people running back to their Ex during a bad patch in their relationship, during a break or even at the end of a break up? Too many is the answer. Letting your Ex be your external support link, leaves you wide open for a hostile takeover.
How many times do you converse with your ex during a week, a month or even a year? If the answer is frequently; then you know you are slowly setting yourself up for a fall. At what length are you and you ex talking to? Lengthy interactions create atmospheres of comfort ability, familiarity which can lead to more than just friend’s type conversations. What time are you interacting? 1pm lunch time is not as significant as 1am night talks. The atmosphere is completely different and conversations can fast slip into intimate topics during late night catch ups.
NO GOING BACK (Irreversible Theory KOJO 10.4.13)
Every relation you have with friends, colleagues or significant other has stages to it. The irreversible theory states that once you ascend a level in that relationship there is no going back to the previous state, you either stay as you are, elevate another level or the relationship gets destroyed.
E.G. A boy and girl being platonic friends ascend to flirtationship level of a physical nature. Now their relationship dynamics have now changed; jokes¸ everyday conversation and normal physical interaction is of acknowledgeable flirty behaviour. At such a level it is no longer possible to go back to being just platonic non-flirty friends. To descend is to destroy the existing relationship they once had and you’ll notice daily interaction will begin to decrease. However if they were to try to rekindle their past relationship, they would begin at the last point they left off and their pace for ascension is quickened..
How then using this theory as a platform do you expect to go from fully formed lovers to just friends and platonic at that? It’s just doesn’t seem possible.
Feelings are never destroyed rather they are stored and compressed like a zip file, waiting to be unzipped at a later date. Interacting with your ex begins to extract those files hidden in your minds folder one by one as you begin to grow closer as friends. You can delete those feelings but they get stored on the hard drive and as we know those files using special software’s can be retrieved. It is no different with ex’s and their feelings, it never goes away once it’s been developed.
There are a million different reasons as to why staying in consistent contact with your ex is not beneficial for you as an individual. Find a way to get your partner to like what you like, work harder to make him understand you, be each other’s councillor’s and always communicate. Including your ex to fill a void your current partner cannot fill in will indefinitely lead to problems. There is a reason why we call out former partners our ex; you are supposed to ex-communicate them once your relationship is done. Aim to be amicable and save friendship for people who haven’t gone past the “friendship line” in the past which was once you’re present and was at a time your future. Jojo has spoken.
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