Everyone has messed up and hurt their partner, but us males are experts in unintentionally hurting our other half’s. The difference often between a male hurting his other half and the woman messing up is that males usually get the warning that this behaviour is unacceptable but we still continue. Most men will be able to identify with what I am saying currently and also agree when I say it is one of those things built into us men.
In my more youthful days whilst dating a girl whom I loved very much I made a grave mistake and I was found out. One day I was on facebook and this really attractive girl added me and because part of my nature is to be a tiny weenie bit flirtatious. Let’s call the girl Lana; don’t search her because the names made up. The first day we inboxed each other we hit it off immediately and the conversation flowed so nicely. I quickly found myself just being Derwin, which was what I and my boy called my alter ego. The conversation in a short space of time quickly descended from talking about life issues, interests and hobbies to what we could get up to in each other’s presence. As some of you know that conversation gets very steamy and empty promises are made. This girl was too sexy and she was about Christ and my partner at the time wasn’t really interested in our father, so we had a spiritual connection too. I member talking to my best friend about it and we were just egging each other on; in no way do I blame him. A man must always take responsibility for his actions. The conversations again found another level and sex was on the top of the topic as a joke but we know jokes are not hundred percent jokes
MY THOUGHT PROCESS
To be honest it is hard to explain but the answer is obvious to me. The simple truth is that I am naturally a flirt and I saw a chance to feed the ego of Derwin. My alter ego loves to know that he can have women at his fingertips; why? It is a dark fantasy that stems from the environment I was thrusted into as a child. Secondary school shaped a lot of my opinions, views and behavioural traits. Growing up in a predominantly black school I found myself surrounded by materialism and womanising. Only a few months ago did I realise why materialism hadn’t become a dark fantasy for me to delve into. Not enough money means reigning in expectations and forgetting about spending sprees; so materialism couldn’t develop. Yet with womanising or an aspect of womanising it is something that runs in the bloodline of the men in family; my dad when he was younger also had a naughty streak. They say the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree and indeed it hadn’t. So not only did I have that flirty instinct within me but then it was reinforced at the developing stages of my life. Fortunately for me in my youth I was fat and had bigger breast then some of the girls in my year and that quenched the fire of the darker nature of Derwin. The thing about quenching is that it doesn’t necessarily put out the fire but rather it cools it to a tiny flame waiting to ignite once more. The flirtatious side had never been killed but because I was not the best looking aesthetically I was hindered. Fast forward a few years and take in my new gym built physique and improved confidence from knowing more about myself and what I am, I was beginning to flourish.
FLOURISH THEORY PERIOD
There are stages unspecified in one’s life where they flourish and the opposite sex because easy to draw, attract and pull. At this height you are seemingly invincible and whatever you touch seems to turn to gold with the opposite sex. The length of flourish period is not specific and for each person it differs, but if I were to give the time zones of flourishing you may understand a little more. 6-10, 11-16, 18-21, 24-28, 30-35, 40-45, 50-70. At these times labelled people seem to change and improve and people’s perspectives in how they view you change also. For instance a girl in secondary school between 11-16 will be bottom of the pile but by 18-21 she develops body and flourishes. Or a boy up until 24 never saw the time of day with women but as soon as he reaches 35, he is a handsome catch. Most people shift into flourish or downward spiral at 30-35 because at this age most people review their whole entire life and take stock. Their expectations, wants, needs and attraction seems to develop once more and suddenly men who were not considered attractive, now become top priority. Your job security, maturity and perceived success will influence your flourishing brackets and how long you stay in the flourish zones. A typical example is a male who had nothing really going for him until he turned thirty and suddenly after hard work he is a manager at a good firm and money comes his way; suddenly he flourishes. Flourishing is both physical and what you can bring to the table. If you haven’t flourished by the age of 16 at all then by the time you reach 18-21 and you do flourish then you either become cocky and arrogant or very humble about your flourishing. The bracket of 18-21 is usually key for most people because compulsory education is finished and often people go to university and that allows them access to the opposite sex like never before. Also at that age most people are getting career minded and their focus of attention and perspectives on what is beauty actually seems to change.
If I was to be honest with myself. I was in the flourishing bracket of 18-21 and women were just finding their way into my hands. One of the things about flourishing is that if you have never flourished before you find it hard to deal with. All the added attention forces you into a corner and you have to react. In my case I developed a kind of cocksure type behaviour which wasn’t my true nature but I reacted in the way my nature allowed me to.
NO GUILTY CONSCIENCE
This was the moment I realised two things; I have the ability to cheat and secondly I understood the mind of a cheater. They feel no remorse because they are doing what is in their nature or nurture and therefore to them it is like taking a pen at work. What I mean by that is; taking a pen from work means nothing to nobody but it is still stealing. The consciousness isn’t pricked because in their eyes they are doing what they feel is right for them. Even though I knew cheating wasn’t my portion I still was being very loose with my tongue and I even met the girl once, which in itself was a type of cheating. It was fun being bad and to feel no remorse you must be so bad that you’re good at being bad, it must become your second nature. And indeed my second nature wasn’t to cheat physically but to emotionally cheat, because by being explicit in my conversations and stating empty promises I had fulfilled my egos purpose. The cheaters mind set is egotistical and it is selfish; the sex fills their ego with the food it requires to keep itself alive. The adrenaline fuelled fun was the same as a child being told not take a cookie from the jar and they manage to steal without being caught. It is my belief that if a woman agreed to an open relationship with a cheater; a lot of those men would stop cheating because the fun has gone out. Added to that the woman is not required to stay with him solely and there is no reliance on the single male.
My other half found out about my naughty behaviour by my rookie mistake. I left my email open and all my inbox messages head into my email and a woman being curious decided to scroll through. I remember a very fierce argument that night which ended in me sleeping in the foyer of the halls, but did that stop my behaviour from changing? Not particularly because by this time I had a taste of the coke like drug which fed my ego and I unconsciously chose another target to be flirtatious with.
WHAT I LEARNT
Nobody can say they are not the cheating type until temptation has come their way and they have openly rejected the temptation. Cheating is a state of mind which requires one to develop a moral conscious which promotes selfishness. The player’s nature is second nature and therefore they never really wrestle against their conscious. Flirting was second nature to me and anything within that remit was not seen as illegal for me hence why I felt no guilt or remorse that I had been talking to another woman. The darker side of men is within all of us men, even those who consider themselves the “good guys”.