It’s the question that divides individuals and outcasts others. Some say they can be friends with a powerful reassurance and others differ with an accepting acknowledgement of experience. Perhaps this question isn’t so much can boys and girls be friends but rather a differing perception of experiences. Have you ever seen boys and girls profess friendship, and then become more? Have you ever been involved as a friend turned lover with an opposite sex friend? Without experiencing such events or even being forewarned of such behaviours you too may side that females and male species can be friend. By our short paragraph you have probably guessed our position on the question, but let’s delve deeper into our thinking.
Every relationship outside of family relations are based on one of the four types of attractions. Attraction doesn’t equate to “I fancy you” it simply covers how we are drawn or what brings us close and binds us to one another. 1A) Interpersonal 1B) Physical 1C) Sexual 1D) Spiritual. These four quadrants are the bases for pretty much all relationships; there are sub categories such as intelligence and cultural but these come under interpersonal. Since we are talking about “boys and girls being friends” let’s explore the attraction needed to found a friendship. No friendship can exist solely; and the word is friendship not acquaintance or somebody I know nor functional individual. A functional individual in your life is someone who is an acquaintance but has real purpose in your life. A good example of this is; someone who always listens to your problems but never gives you anything back about themselves. That person is actual a free counsellor; it seems harsh but it’s true. Take a second and just meditate on it. There are people you’d only go out partying with but that’s all you’d do with that person. You refuse to deposit yourself in them; that person isn’t a good friend they are party host, party escort of a free nature.
Getting back on course; every “friendship” requires a foundation of interpersonal foundation otherwise it isn’t a friendship. In a friendship you shouldn’t be finding each other physically attracted nor sexually. Having spiritual connections lead to meeting up at religious quarters but never wanting to meet in public. No; a friendship requires you to be attracted internally by the persons; goals, vision, personality, tastes, philosophies and so forth. Simply put “I see myself in you”. Now there is no dispute that boys and girls can be attracted this way. Yet there is a huge problem. Same sex friendships have chasm which stops any breach of two men or women ever stepping up to attraction 1B and 1C (above paragraph). The chasm that exists is sexual orientation. A heterosexual male or female cannot be physically attracted to another woman or sexually. If you do then you might want to reconsider your orientation-al degrees. This orientation creates the forever abiding invisible barrier which will never be broken regardless of; time, situations and environment. Flip the equation of relations between “boys and girls” and Houston we have a problem. Why? Well the chasm and barrier is not impregnable nor for everlasting and is subject to conditions. What conditions?
The three main conditions 2A) Physical Time 2B) Situation 2C) Calendar Time can shift the position of the barriers in a relationship between boys and girls. Example. A girl who has a good solid male friend can say “I don’t fancy him nor find him attractive” but wait till she is pregnant and the father is missing. It’s sad but true as it happens a lot. The girl will suddenly find her situation has changed and therefore her perception and focus revamped. Why? Her choices of men have dwindled now she is pregnant and she has to think about her child, now the safe Timothy is looking like a good safe and comfortable bet. Example 2. A male has been friends with a girl since secondary and now they are twenty one the girl has blossomed with body, face and the attention she is receiving is unprecedented. The physiological change over calendar time can shift the goal posts in anyone’s mind. Think back to the girls or boys you considered hot in school; do you consider them hot now? Times change and people’s perception widen, grow and change. How do you think yours will not concerning a friend overtime? Example 3. Spending time with each other; on the phone, social media and physically in each other presence will not only shift but break the barrier. Constant cooking up of Category 2A always leads to either both parties stepping up to 1B or 1C. If time over a calendar amount of years doesn’t get you, your situation could get you and if all fails physical time spent with that individual will collapse a boy and girl friendship. Now before you calculate in your head your own relationships with the opposite sex and discredit us. Ask yourself this; do even spend enough time with this so called opposite sex friend or are we functional individuals? Has your situation become drastically different from the norm to even disagree with the theory? Finally do you even have enough yearly mileage yourself to comment on seeing a friend physically change over time before you?
“But I don’t find myself attracted to my opposite sex friends”
You only can quantify your feelings towards that particular so called “Friend” you cannot vouch for him or her and how they feel about you down deep. Have you asked them “if they find you attractive or like you? Have you been honest with yourself “are you attracted to them?” Hold Up! You can only answer with a good amount of certainty if they like you, when you have that heart to heart and ask them. Hold up! If you’ve asked that question, had that conversation then you agree with our theory. Why? Because you wouldn’t ask your same sex friend that question. What possessed you to ask that question? Unless you thought this friend liked you and how can they be a friend if they like you on a 1B or 1C level? Right now you are indeed not attracted to them but as time counts down, your options limit and environments differ you will be looking home. When you look home you look for someone who already is in your life or understands you. A “friend” of opposite sex. Physical Attraction more so than sexual attraction, isn’t confined to immediacies. You may not find the person attractive but because you fall in love with the persons interpersonal traits you find yourself being attracted physically to the individual. If one can ascend to that level of attraction through process of time; then you can’t make the above statement long term. You speak in the present participle.
“Cant you control yourself…. I can control myself”
Read that again. A friendship shouldn’t have you restraining yourself from certain behaviours. IF you are having to control yourself or discipline then I question that friendship. Male and male don’t think about anything when they have to share a bed; are you really saying when you go to bed you don’t feel any type of movement, heart palpitation, and secret dark thoughts when you have to share with your opposite sex friend. One would only discipline himself if he knew there was a chance for unrestrained. In addition males especially have physical body interaction and if you transfer that behaviour to the opposite sex all control will be failing you.
“We have been friends since childhood; they are like my brother or sister.”
Nobody disagrees with the statement but time and chance happens to us all. When you are emotionally broken and someone picks you up of opposite sex time and time again; they can become Superman from Clark Kent in a blink of an eye. The brother you claim is only a brother based upon perception not blood; therefore the wall between you and them is temporary and influenced to change based on conditions mentioned earlier. Linking to the paragraph first stated; you do not know if your brother or sister has been liking you for years in secret.
Food for thought
Mention to anybody that you had to share a bed with your opposite sex friend and watch the questions come your way. Yet tell them you had to share a bed with your same sex friend and watch nobody bat an eyelid. Still not convinced? Fine! When either you or the opposite sex friend get into a relationship the dynamics of your relationship should change, more than likely do change. The outings, the late night phone calls and general interactions calm themselves down considerably. Imagine this scenario; you get stuck overnight with a male friend and are stranded, one hotel with one bed and room. You call your partner; what do you think they are going to say? What are you going to say? Yet; flip the script and they are with a same sex friend, how are you going to feel? Now there are sections of people who will say “I will be cool with that..I trust my partner.” Maybe we are just insecure. Maybe you’d see a gunman but believe there is no bullets in the barrel, we don’t know. Let’s delve a bit more to reactions, because a reaction first hand will tell us a lot more. How would you first think, feel and react on these situations; 3A) You hear your partner was coming out of cinema laughing and joking, you come home and find your partner with the opposite sex but you weren’t informed, you find on borderline flirty texts on your partners phone. Your first reaction will say it all and yet turn each scenario into a same sex individual. How different your reaction will be.
Consider this point. The best relationships are ones that the people have been friends. We have all heard of this statement. Well guess what; that friend could be you and your friend. You’re friendship is just one of many waiting for a call up to upgrade. In a sense you can think of friendships with the opposite sex as ships in the docking station waiting to launch. Many will never take off but that doesn’t kill the potential. You may never be more than friends or functional individuals but the potential was there. Therefore in a dogmatic kind of way; the answer to the original question is “no” they cannot be friends because of potential. An opposite sex friendship of equal rights; is a ice-skater gliding over thin ice on a big lake. One day the ice could crack and they fall in. Jojo has spoken
Comments are welcome. What is your opinion? Get in touch.